Apologetics for the Masses #494 - Do We Have to Forgive Others Even If They Don't Repent?

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Topic

Do we have to forgive others if they're not sorry for what they did to us?

General Comments

Hey folks,

A priest sent me the link to a website that has four short - 30 seconds each - pro-life, election-related videos on it and asked me if I would be willing to share them with my subscribers. When I come across a priest who is this pro-life, and this involved in it, I am more than happy to share.

So, here ya go: changetheperspective.com When you watch the first video, scroll down under it and click "previous" video, or "next" video, to watch the other three. And then please share them with folks you know. Change the perspective...

Introduction

Whenever we pray the Our Father, we ask God to "forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." In other words, we're saying to God that if we don't forgive others for the wrongs they've committed against us, then He, the Father, has our blessing - our prayer request - not to forgive us of the wrongs we have committed against Him. That's actually a pretty scary prayer, if you stop to think about it.

But, what exactly does it mean to "forgive" someone of a wrong they have done to you? Is forgiveness unconditional? Conditional? There are those who would argue that God's forgiveness towards us is unconditional, therefore, our forgiveness of others must be unconditional. But, is that right?

Someone posted a question along those lines on the "John Martignoni and the Bible Christian Society" Facebook page (if you're not a member, come on down!). Below is an expanded version of the answer I gave him.

Challenge/Response/Strategy

Mike's Post from Facebook
I guess this is more of a theological question than an apologetics question but I could see an atheist asking this question: How do we answer "Why do we have to forgive those who have wronged us even if they don't seek forgiveness; yet, God will not forgive us unless we seek forgiveness from him"?

My Response
Excellent question! And, the short answer is: We don't. We don't have to forgive someone who has wronged us if they do not repent and ask for forgiveness.

Now, my saying that may be shocking to some of you, because there are a lot of people who have the same misunderstanding about forgiveness that Mike had. Which is, in essence, that we have to unconditionally forgive those who have wronged us, whether they ever repent of what they've done or not. And, if we don't forgive them, then we are liable to God's judgment vis-a-vis the Our Father. My question to anyone who thinks that way is this: Does God call you to forgive others in a manner that He Himself does not do? Or, to frame it in another way: Does God call me to be more forgiving than He is?

I think the answer we can all see as being the logical one is, "No," God does not call us to forgive others in a manner in which He Himself does not forgive us. When we sin against God, does He just forgive us even though we haven't repented of our sin and asked Him for forgiveness? No, He does not. If He did, then there would be no need for the Sacrament of Confession. "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just, and will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness," (1 John 1:9). If we confess our sins He will forgive them. Which means, if we don't confess our sins, He won't forgive them.

If there were no conditions to God's forgiveness of our sins, then you would just commit a sin, and it would immediately be forgiven...unconditionally...by God. No need to repent. No need to try to do better in the future. No need to confess your sin to a priest. Nothing. Which means, everyone would be saved...universal salvation...because God would forgive everyone's sins automatically, even the sin of unbelief.

So, if God does not forgive us unless we repent and seek forgiveness, and we are called to be like Him - "Be ye perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect." (Matt 5:48) - then why is it we are expected to forgive others when they have wronged us if they have not repented and asked for forgiveness? Again, we aren't, and the Bible backs me up on this: "Take heed to yourselves; if your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him; and if he sins against you seven times in the day, and turns to you seven times and says, 'I repent,' you must forgive him," (Luke 17:3-4).

If he repents, then you are called to forgive him. If he turns to you and repents, then you are called to forgive him. Which means, if he doesn't repent, you aren't required to forgive him. However, in your heart, you should always be ready to forgive should he repent - whether he actually does or not. And, there should be no hate toward those who sin against you. There should be no animosity, no bitterness, no desire for revenge, etc. The Book says we need to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us (Matt 5:44) and that "vengeance is Mine," sayeth the Lord (Romans 12:19). So, again, we need to be like God in the sense that even when we sin against Him, He still loves us and wants what's best for us. He hates our sin, but He loves us. So, too, we should hate the wrong...the injustice...done to us, but we should still love the one who has wronged us.

Let me use an example, from my own life, of a situation where I practiced something akin to "unconditional" forgiveness, and what happened as a result. I had a large oak tree fall on the house I used to live in - just 3 months after my wife and I had moved into the house. It crushed the entire back half of the house and almost killed my wife. Well, needless to say, we had to have extensive repairs done to the house. One of those repairs included rebuilding the deck in the back of the house. I hired a guy I had known a couple of years from church who had a business that specialized in building decks. He was a youth minister at one of the parishes in the diocese. I also had him do some other work that was not covered by insurance and for which I put in my own money. The total job was a few thousand dollars, and I paid him in increments as the work was completed.

Well, it was a Friday afternoon, and there was just one last part of the job that needed to be done - about $500 worth of work. He asked me if he could go ahead and get the $500 so that he could pay his assistant who would not be coming back with him the following week to finish the rest of the work. I gave him the advance. Never saw him again. When he didn't show up on Monday, I called him, left a message. Left several more messages during the week. He never answered my calls and never returned my calls. After several days, I finally came to the realization that he was just going to steal that $500 from me and not finish the work. So, I called his pastor and let him know what was going on. You know what the pastor said? "What do you want me to do about it?" I said, "He's your youth minister, you're his pastor. Can't you talk to him about either returning my money or finishing the work?" He basically said it wasn't any of his business. Not the first, nor the last, time I was disappointed by a priest.

So, I decided I was going to sue this guy. Went down to the courthouse and picked up the forms necessary to file a lawsuit in Small Claims Court. But, after I got home and filled them out, I thought to myself, "No, I need to forgive him and just forget about the $500 and move on." Unconditional forgiveness. So that's what I did. And guess what happened? I found out a few years later that he had basically done the same thing to several other people after he had done it to me and he literally wound up spending time in jail because of it. If I had gone ahead and sued him, then there is the possibility...a possibility...that he might not have stolen from all those other folks and he might not have wound up in jail as a result of doing so. Possibility. So, did my unconditional forgiveness help the situation? Looking back, my unconditional forgiveness simply allowed him to continue sinning without any consequence for his sins...at least, in the short run. And, it possibly contributed to the injustice done to those others who got ripped off. So, it is very reasonable to assume that my unconditional forgiveness had negative consequences. So, what if he came back to me now, all these years later, and apologized for stealing from me, what would I do? Well, I would tell him that, essentially, I forgave him in my heart years ago, as I prayed for his repentance and conversion. Next, I would ask him, "Where's my $500?" And, if he was in a position to pay it back, I would expect him to do so.

All of that is to say, that even though there is the matter of forgiveness in situations like this, there is also the matter of justice in situations like this. Even after God forgives us - when we repent - there is still the matter of justice...of paying for our sins. Thus, the existence of Purgatory as a payment for the penalty due to our sins and as a final cleansing from our sins.

Okay, so what if the person who has wronged you does repent and asks for forgiveness, what exactly does it mean to forgive him? "Oh, you repent...well, then, everything can go back to exactly the way it was and we can be best friends, and we can hang out together again, and grab a beer at the sports bar while we watch the game and..." No! That is not necessarily what it means to forgive someone. You forgive them of a particular sin against you, but that doesn't mean you have to be friends again, if you were friends before he sinned against you. I guess for some that would be a possibility, but for many others it wouldn't be. It also doesn't mean you have to trust this person again. I mean, would I ever hire that guy to build me another deck even if he repented and asked for forgiveness? Pretty doubtful. And it doesn't even mean you have to like this person again. It means that you have forgiven that particular action, you hold no hatred toward that person because of that particular action, you are ready to move on, and you pray for that person's salvation. Love means to will the good for someone, according to Aquinas, so in order to love this person we should be praying for their repentance and conversion and eventual salvation. But, we still don't have to like them.

And, that is pretty much the same thing that should happen if that person doesn't repent. You still need to love them. Which, again, means you need to "will the good" for them. And the ultimate good for anyone is for their sins to be forgiven and to spend eternity in Heaven. So, whether the other person repents or not, we are called to will their good. To pray for their repentance, conversion, and salvation.

I'll use myself again as an example to drive home the point. When I was out of the Church for 13 years, living a thoroughly heathen lifestyle, there were people who had wronged me over one thing or another. Did I will their good? Absolutely not. I hated them. Didn't want anything to do with them. Didn't want to be around them, didn't want to see them, didn't want to even hear their names. I wanted the worst possible outcomes for their lives. I would have happily gone to their funerals just so I could spit on their graves. Harsh? You betchya!

Today, how are things different? Well, there are people who have wronged me in the fairly recent past. People who have perpetrated grave injustices against me, and my family, and/or allowed others to do the same. Several of these people are clergy. Has a single one of them repented and asked me for forgiveness? Not a one. So, I haven't forgiven them. I still hold them accountable for the injustices they have perpetrated and still desire for justice to be done for them and for me and my family. The difference, though, between the me of today and the heathen me outside of the Church, is that now I pray for those who have wronged me. I am genuinely concerned for the salvation of their souls. I pray for their repentance and conversion. I pray for their salvation. I want the best possible outcome for their lives instead of the worst. Plus, I think I can honestly say that I am not angry with these folks as much as I am profoundly disappointed in them and profoundly saddened by what they have done - saddened for them, that is, that they could apparently not be at all bothered in their consciences by what they have done to me and my family - and to others and their families. So, I believe I can say that I genuinely love them - again, in the sense that I am praying and hoping for the good for them - but I do not like any of these folks...at all.

But, let's say, for the sake of this discussion, that one or more of them come up to me and sincerely repent and ask me for forgiveness. I would give it to them. And I would hope in my heart that my forgiveness would be genuine. And I would rejoice in their repentance and pray that it is genuine. But, I can pretty safely say, that I would still not want to go to lunch with any of them or have any of them over for dinner or be a member of a parish where they are the pastor or any such thing. Once trust has been lost in a relationship then, at least for me, it is nearly impossible to get it back.

I guess, to summarize, I think the attitude in our heart towards someone who has wronged us should, essentially, be the same whether they ever ask for forgiveness or not - it should be an attitude of love, in the sense that we are hoping and praying for the best for them - for their repentance, conversion, and salvation. Then, if someone does repent, apologize, and ask for forgiveness, depending on the situation and all the factors involved, we could move forward from there along a spectrum that has, "Thank you for your apology, I forgive you, but you have completely destroyed my trust in you and I really don't like you and don't want to have anything else to do with you," at the one end, to "Thank you for your apology, I forgive you, and can we be best friends again?" at the other end. Always, always, always willing the good for the other person.

Anyway, I hope that makes some semblance of sense. Essentially, one's attitude towards those who have wronged you should be the same whether they ever repent or not. Hope and pray for their repentance, conversion, and salvation. And if they do repent, and justice has been satisfied, you can forgive them for that particular offense and then you can decide in what way to move forward from there. Just remember, forgiving someone does not necessarily mean you have to go back to how things were before they harmed you. You don't have to like them, you don't have to trust them, you don't have to have any kind of relationship with them. If you want to, and you are able to...great! But that is not a requisite part of the forgiveness process. Loving someone is required, liking them is not.

I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter if you have any you would like to express. And, don't worry, I'll forgive you if you disagree with me [insert smiley face here].

If you want more on this topic, Jimmy Aiken wrote an excellent article on it, about 20 years ago or so, that you can find here:

https://www.catholic.com/magazine/print-edition/the-limits-of-forgiveness

Closing Comments

I hope all of you have a great week! Please keep the Bible Christian Society in your prayers. And please know that I pray for all of you daily!

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